Anniversary (October 6, 1420, S.R.)

- jan-u-wine
I do not know
what
I have waited for
all
these long years.

I imagined it was
my life.....
longing to flower ...
to catch hold,
like one of your
roses in the sun,
Sam.

Somehow,
I know now
that
will never be.

There is a certain
raw
pleasure
in the loss
of myself....

darkness
filling
empty longings
with strange
warmth
as the last bits of me
bleed out.

When I was a child,
my small mind
would picture,
in the black cradle
of night,
what might
lie outside
the blank wall
of
the dark.

There are no
sweet
childhood
dreams left me.,

only
the certainty
of that which
I at last
perceive,
that which
perceives
me.

I have seen
men die....

hobbits, even.

This is not
like
that.

No.

It is
just
like that.

Only.....
it is not
my body
giving
slowly,
or even suddenly,
over.

No.

It is something
within,

Something

for which I have
no name.

I can no longer fight
against it.

Like the long, slow
length
of an endless river,
it pulls me,
unceasingly,
into itself.

the water
closes
above
my head.

There is
Shadow
over me,
under me...
through me.

I breathe in.

I fill myself
with drowning dark.

The Light
of the World
recedes:

if flees from me
as if
even light
fears
to touch
the stain'd
soul
lying before it..

Only darkness
dares
wrap its arms
about me,

only
darkness
presses
its cold body
to mine.

Like someone
caught
upon the edge of a blade,
I cry out:…..

I cry out,
but
there is no one
to hear......

no one
to see
the brightness
which is not blood
spattering
out
into that which claims me.

It is just
as dark
when I open
my eyes
as when they close.

The darkness
is
inside.

Inside me.

I am
so frightened.

Please,

Let me die.

Do not let me become
this.

no,
please,
not

this.


____________________________________________________

[A body
trembles

insensibly

against linen's
damp cage,
as if
some great
hand,
black with hatred,

dark with malice,

had flung it there
in rage.

Some
great hand
has.

His
gardener
is not here,
now.

at last,

at last,

he weakens…..

I shall
take him..

It pleases
me
that his torment
momentarily
surpasses
mine.

The wise ones
thought
a bit of flesh,
enmeshed by golden evil,
fed
to ravening flame
would end
this Darkness.

His mouth,
unwilling,
fills
with my laughter.

They were right.

They
were
wrong.

Yet....
it will  end here....


in this small room,
it will end.

In the ending,
I shall remind
them
that evil,
like good,
is never done.

I will take him,
this one
they hold so dear....
with me,
into endless night,
into lonely
despair.

By Valar,
I shall.

Oh, yes……

(again
I use
his mouth
and
laugh.)

Valar.

It is
just
a word.

Just as
wizard
is just
a word
and
white
a color
leached
from black.

This time.....
this
Time,

I will
take him.

I promise,
I promise
you,
promise-breaker,

I will fill
your empty heart
with
Darkness,

I will close
your undimmed eyes
with  fearful Night..