LOTR: the Pants

by various

A gathering of the poetic verse that has been inspired by the classic "pants" game.


A Hobbit's Song of Pants

Farewell we call, tho pants may fall
We'll buy some more at the Moria mall!
We must away, though blue jeans fray
Tripping over wood and mountain tall

To Rivendell where Elves yet dwell
Wearing flairs with bottoms like a bell
And spandex laced as tight as paste
In colours that make eyeballs rebel!

We'll take a chance, we'll take a stance
Beneath the sky we'll wear our pants
'Til in the end our pants must mend
From holes made in by dart or lance

We must away! We must away!
Before britches fade from blue to grey!

- Lothithil


Legolas' Response

I hope you don't lump me in
With the elves of Rivendell
For I wouldn't be caught wearin
Flairs with bottoms like a bell.

As for spandex that is fine
But those colors I decry
For they're like a neon sign
And make me easier to espy!
- Dinledhwen

Aragorn, the chief of the Dúnaduds

All that is cold does not shiver
Not all those who wear pants are boss
I wash all my clothes in the river
And until they dry I wear moss

In the loops a belt shall be braided
Matching my stitched leather vest
Exchanged shall be garb that is faded
The pantless again shall be dressed
- Lothithil

In western lands beneath the Sun
the pants are worn in Spring
the cuffs may turn, the zippers run,
the merry tailor sing.
Or there maybe 'tis a dancing night
and swaying breeches wound
their Elven-belts round paunches wide,
amid their fat-rolls found.
- Primula

All that is blue is not denim,
Not all pants of denim are jeans;
The jeans made by Levis are tougher
with double and triple stitched seams.

From the worn out pants we will make handbags
or skirts trimmed with fabric and lace
Embroidered with daisies and peace signs
Recycled pants too have their place.
- Lindorie

the pants go ever on and on,
down from the belt where they began,
now far past the shoes my pants have gone
and i must roll them up if i can
so i don't trip and fall on them
until they join some larger outfit
where many pants and shirts meet
and wither then? i cannot say!

- Katz

Sing hey! for the pants at close of day
that zip the shivering legs away!
Pantless is he that will not sing:
O! Long, long pants are a noble thing!
- Primula


Gollum: (singing)

Oh pants so fair,
So nice to wear,
Some pants to ZIIIIIIP...
I'd just rant,
To catch some pants,
So quick to RIIIIIIIIP!
- Bluebell

May it be, the evening pants shine down upon you,
May it be when trousers fall, your pants will be true,
You walk in lonley pants, oh how far you are from skirts...

Mornie utulie
Believe and you will find your pants
Mornie alantie
A promise lives without pants now.
- Belladonna & Orisadil of TABA

To the Pants, to the Pants! The zipper-pulls tolling,
The hems are stitched, the thread-spools are rolling
West, west away, the white pants are falling,
Grey pants, gray pants, do you hear me calling,
The clothing of my people that have gone before me?
 
I will leave, I will leave fashions that bore me;
For these colors are ending and our seams failing.
I will pass bad notes about fashion, railing.
Long are the cuffs on the khakis falling,
Capris are the best, in the Pants Aisle calling,
In JC Penney's, in The Gap, there no man can discover
Where the pants fall not: clothes of my people for ever!
 
And so singing Legolas went away down the hill, with his pants.
- Primula

Promo Ad for the Mordor Fashion Network:
 
"Three pairs for the Elven-kings who wear the button fly,
 Seven pairs for the Dwarf-lords who fade them with stone,
 Nine pairs for Mortal Men who like tye-dye,
 And one pair for the Dark Lord so his booty is not shown
 In the land of Mordor where Shadows lie.
 One belt to hold them up, one hand to zip them
 One tailor to fix the tears so for goodness sakes don't rip them
 In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie."
- Varda of Bucklebury

Legolas Greenleaf of long-held stance
In joy thou hast lived. Beware of the Pants!
If thou hearest the denim and zipper on legs
Thy body shall then wear them the rest of your days.
- Primula


Peregrin’s Song for the Steward of Pants
 
Pants on my behind 
Made of many threads 
That I will not willingly shed 
When I eat alot, they get too tight 
And show off all my cellulite 
 
Wash in water, dry in the shade 
So they won’t fade 
So they won’t fade.... 
- Lothithil

"I sang of pants, of pants of gold,
And pants of gold were sewn.
I wore them in Lothlorien,
Where pants are seldom known.

Beneath my pants, beneath their seat,
Are perils dire indeed.
I'm only glad I found a pair,
Cause pants I really need!"
- Evermind

The Pants of the Troll, a cautionary tale

Troll sat alone wearing pants of stone
He became aware of a tear where his seat was sewn
That's a bit of a shock when your pants are rock
You shouldn't have to mend 'em
Rend 'em! Bend 'em!
He had no tacks to mend his slacks
Nor anywhere to send 'em

Up came Tom with his blue pants on
Said he to Troll "Pray, what's going on?
For it looks your jeans are parting at the seams
And that the damage might be recent."
He sent! We sent!
"You better get some grout before your bottom falls out
And you are arrested for exposure indecent!"

Said Troll to the Man, "Help me if you can,
Before my dungerees are reduced to sand
And my hiney shows. I have no other clothes
Except a woolen kilt that itches."
Stitches! Hitches!
"This is the last time I spend a dime
Buying after-market britches!"

Said Tom to Troll, "O bless my soul!
I have no skill to mend this hole.
My cousin Jason is a rather good mason
He can reconstruct your back seat"
Whack seat! Lack seat!
"In the bushes hide to preserve your pride
While he fills your pants with concrete!"

So Troll, he steps behind a tree
To try to save his modesty
"Please hurry back, for I'm feeling the lack!"
Said he, handing Tom his trousers
Wowsers! Yowsers!
"I'm trusting that you to make them new;
That's my only pair of trousers!"

"Yes!" Tom said, and away he sped
but once far away laughed off his head
Without a glance he threw away Troll's pants
And went on his merry way
Hey! Say!
He did not fear that Troll would hear
nor come after him someday

Years went past and still Tom laughed
When he thought about his wiley craft
How he tricked a Troll and his pants stole
He'd tell anyone who'd listen
Hissin'! Missin'!
From moor to coast, he'd often boast
To anyone who'd listen

So it was no surprise when Tom was advised
that an angry Troll of surpassing size
Was looking for him, his expression grim
Wearing pants made out of a bush!
A push! A whoosh!
Tom ran away, but Troll caught him the next day
And spanked him on the tush!
- Lothithil

Sing now, ye people of the tailors of Arnor,
for the pants of Sauron are rended for ever,
and the Dark Zipper is pulled down.

Sing and rejoice, ye people of the Tailor of Guard,
for your seam-ripping hath not been in vain,
and the Black Pants are rended,
and your King hath giv'n Sauron a wedgie,
though he is yet clothed.

Sing and be glad, all ye tailors of the West,
for your King shall wear pants,
and he shall keep you stitching
all the days of your life.

And the Suspenders that were withered shall be renewed,
and he shall hoist them to the high places,
for their elastic shall be blessed.

Sing all ye tailors!
- Primula

Cold be knees and hips and bones
and cold it be to sit on stone
when pants are damp from mist and rain
I shiver and teeth chatter once again.
No dry pants in my pack have I
The pack is soaked, no pants are dry
To a warm inn at last we come
And dry warm pants will toast my bum.
- Lindorie

"G-Strings for the elven kings, under their mini-skirts.
Boxers for the dwarf lords beneath their levi jeans.
Grotty breifs for mortal men, doomed to be without laundry,
Bikini bottoms for the dark lord on his dark throne.
One pair of pants to rule them all,
One pair to find them,
One pair to bring them all,
And Sauron's backside shall mind them."
- Evermind


Sing hey! for the wash on laundry day
that washes the mud from my pants away
Hot water, soap my jeans will clean
and round the tub shall make a ring.

Oh sweet the washboard sound to hear
of pants being scrubbed, too hard, I fear
The stains are gone, and too the pants
And so I hide behind the plants.

I stitch and sew a patch with care
to hide the hole, my bottom bares.
"My jeans are healed," with pride, I said
And show my pants' new patch of red.
- Lindorie

Galadrags Lament

Ah! Like flags fall the pants in the wind
Long pants beltless like the drawers of kids.
The pants are creeping like the silky knickers of cotton, such as we wore beneath the blue jeans of the West, lest we tremble in the icy wind of November.

Who now will lend me their suspenders?

For Vardenim, queen of the Cordoroy, has uplifted her arms and foreshortened her pantlegs, showing all the lads her ankles, and now all the guys are blushing and giggling, and she is embarassed.

Now lost, lost is the button on the waistband and we have no safety pins.

Farewell! Maybe thou shalt find stretchpants. Maybe even thou shall fit inside them. Farewell!
- Lothithil

Top of the Pants

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Questions/comments? Email Primula.