Lord of the Limericks: The Two Limericks

An Epic Adventure in Limericking by Doctor Gamgee

Book III
Book IV
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The Two Limericks

Book III

Aragorn was half out of his mind,
as he tried our poor Frodo to find.
Then he heard Gondor's horn!
Boromir tries to warn;
Saruman has made new orcish kind.

Uruk-Hai from the White Wizard's place,
Under sun and moon set quite a pace.
'Halflings two' was their quest.
But to get them, must best
Boromir; strong of arm, stern of face.

For the Man of Gondor realized,
that 'twas Merry and Pippin they prized.
To atone for his sin,
he protects Frodo's kin,
'Tis the least I can do.' he surmised.

Though the battle taught Uruk-Hai 'Fear',
countless arrows did pierce Boromir,
Though the battle was lost,
at the ultimate cost,
To his honor he now could adhere.

When they witnessed poor Boromirs Plight,
His 3 friends gave what honor they might
O're the great falls were bourne,
Gondor's Son, Cloven horn,
and the swords of orcs killed in this fight.

Then the three turned with steel in their eye,
and went chasing the large Uruk-Hai.
To save Merry and Pip,
They began this long trip.
And through Rohan, on foot did they fly.

And so league upon league they all ran,
this strange group, made of elf, dwarf and man,
But the wizard so fell,
cast a cruel fatigue spell,
And they feared the distance they'd not span.

But at dawn, came the proud Rohirrim.
and the horse lords gave fell words to them.
"To this party, you're late.
We did them decimate.
And the chance two escaped is quite slim."

"But the two we seek, Merry and Pip,
could easily give you the slip.
In their cloaks, elven grey,
Small as children, they may
in the dusk have evaded your grip."

Eomer then let this insult pass,
and bid these three search over the grass.
"But if you find them not
at the large burning spot,
Must you find the king in Eadoras."

Well the three, now on horseback made tracks,
To the circle of Rohan’s attacks,
Aragorn, first a fright,
Turned and smiled with delight.
“They escaped the orcs, and had some snacks!”

On the night before, Merry and Pip,
Used the knife of a dead orc to slip
From the ropes on their hands
And escaped these two bands
Of orcs, through Grishnak’s grip.

Then they made for the edge of the wood,
And this fateful decision was good.
Then they grabbed a quick bite,
Faded into the night,
And then found themselves where no one should.

They were held in the air by a tree,
And at first, they knew naught about he.
I am Treebeard’ an ent,
Are you Saruman sent?
On the old lists, you seem not to be!

“We don’t know the old lists,” Merry said,
“But the white wizard would like us dead!
We are haflings to elves,
‘Hobbits’ call we ourselves,.
And from Isengard’s folk have we fled.”

Well, these ‘hasty folk’ delight Treebeard.
“You are not little orcs, as I feared.
On the morn’, twig and root,
We shall call an entmoot.
Thus to Isengard were they all steered.

Now, the trio, led by Aragorn,
Sought the hobbits in darkest Fangorn,
But a man dressed in white,
Gave them all quite a fright,
‘Til discovered, ‘twas Gandalf, reborn!

And their joy, quickly brightened the day,
For old Gandalf was no longer ‘grey’
He had gained some in power,
So they passed near an hour
As he told him his tale with dismay.

Neath the cleft, there the water is deep,
And we climbed up the stairs, which were steep.
When the battle was done,
The balrog had not won,
As the stars in the heavens did creep.

And then Gandalf the Grey slipped away,
And went out beyond time on that day,
Valinor did he see,
Then returned, so said he
Now in white, I shall soon lead the way.

So the four now to Rohan must go,
But they feared that the road would be slow.
Nay, said Gandalf, Relax,
I shall ride Shadowfax,
And to Eadoras now shall we go!

“But the hobbits?!” cried man, dwarf and elf.
“Old Fangorn shall see to them, himself
With the Ents they now speak,
And some havoc shall reek,
Which old Saruman brought on himself.

And the four reunited, did pass
through the hills and come to Eadoras.
"You would steal my wood staff?
Oh now don't make me laugh!
I'm an old man, don't give me your sass!"

So the wizard went armed to the King,
and saw quite an unusual thing.
Twas a sight to behold;
Theoden looked so old
Gandalf feared they were late, hope to bring.

But the wizard in the golden hall,
Helped the King youth and strength to recall.
"Put your sword in your hand,
and with us you shall stand!
Not just sit and wait for night to fall."

Thus, the shadow o'er Theoden rent,
And the king stood tall; no longer bent..
"Grima, leave while you can!
Run back to Saruman,
and inform him his power's now spent!"

Therefore Eowyn, Aragorn met.
And Theoden did Eomer let,
Ride as Marshall and lead,
All his troops with great speed
To Helm's Deep, which no one can forget.

Saruman had outwitted himself,
As he saw, before man, dwarf and elf
That the prey he had sought,
Caught by Rohan (he thought),
Would on Theoden's hand show itself.

But alas, he had not the woodcraft
So his plan, seeming wise, was quite daft.
He sent forth all his might,
To crush Rohan in flight,
With Ring forward, and missed Treebeard, aft.

So that night, did orcs go rank and file,
League on league, armies stretched for a mile.
It was their evil will,
for all mankind to kill,
As they grinned, plotting things that were vile.

So they got to Helm's Deep the next day,
All inside looked out, filled with dismay.
The orc ocean would rave,
and break wave after wave,
on the walls of Helm's Deep, men to slay.

While on one side, the horse lords drove back
hoards of orcs, came a secret attack!
From the spot on the wall,
through which water did fall,
Came an unearthly, thunderous crack!

But the Elf and the Dwarf had not slept,
And to meet this new foe they now lept.
Elvish Bow, Dwarvish Axe,
There repelled these attacks,
And a running score both of them kept.

But at Dawn, they arose to a sight!
For a forest, brought Gandalf the White.
Thus dispatched he with ease,
With the help of the Trees,
All the orcs, whom the Hurons did fight.

So the trio of elf, dwarf and man,
Joined Gandalf and horse lord, Theoden,
They took horsemen and shield,
And they swore to make yield
Orthanc’s denizen; fell Saruman.

So they rode on to meet him in haste,
But found Isengard lying in waste.
There beside the lake’s shore,
were two hobbits; what’s more,
A nice feast for them Merry had placed.

“So you’ve shown up at last!” Pippin cried.
As their fellowship partners he spied.
“Have some food and some wine.
We’ll explain as you dine.”
“Such are hobbits -- food first.” Elf replied.

As they ate, Merry told them the story,
Of their trials, both happy and gory.
‘Outraged ents make me shiver,
they diverted the river,
and reduced Saruman from his glory.

So the wizard was trapped in his tower,
Then came Wormtounge, whose face was quite dower.
But this wizard, the ents
Had enough common sense
To await Gandalf’s cunning and power.

"Then it's good that I came." Gandalf said.
But the sunset is quick turning red.
We must face Saruman,
But be wary, he can
Still enchant with his voice (so 'tis said).

So the party approached tall Orthanc,
and stood safe on the dim farther bank.
Saruman they called out.
He would heed not their shout.
He defied them, and all their hopes sank.

But then Grima, who soon lost his mind.
Got upset at the wizard in kind.
But his aim was not true,
so the Palantir flew
out to Pippin, who caught this rare find.

For the stone that Wormtongue had let slip,
Was a seeing stone in Sauron's grip.
Saruman down was cast,
but the joy did not last,
as the Palantir ensorcelled Pip.

Late at night, Pippin found he was bored,
Snuck the stone from Gandalf while he snored.
Looked inside and was snared,
Pippen found himself scared,
By the mind of the evil Dark Lord.

And the party from out of their dreams,
were awakend by Pippin's loud screams.
In the middle of night,
while the Nazgul took flight,
Gandalf sketched out a plan, so it seems.

"Theoden, come with arms to Gondor,
Send the women and children and more,
To the caves and well pray,
that they all safe shall stay."
But this plan Eowyn did abhor.

Theden then took Merry as page,
And all Gandalf's advice seemed quite sage.
Aragorn's party led
Through the Paths of the Dead,
Pippin rode on ahead with the mage.

Book IV

We return now to Frodo and find,
He and Sam into Mordor must wind.
Gollum tries to steal band,
Frodo stays Sam’s swift hand,
And their fate all together did bind.

“I will swear on the precious!” he cried,
And an evil gleam Sam quickly spied.
Frodo heeded it not,
And on that dreadful spot,
Gollum swore ‘by it’ – The knot was tied.

Thus did Gollum become on that day,
“Smeagol” and seemed to leave “Gollum” lay.
But Sam saw that good “Slinker”
Had a bad side, “Stinker”
As he to the Black Gate showed the way.

As they climb through the rough Emyn Muill
Frodo tries to resist the Ring’s will.
But the marsh water cool,
Hides inside each small pool
A grave light beneath each rippling rill.

Thus within this foul ‘Marsh of the dead’
Frodo followed with the droop of his head.
But was Sam came to find
Frodo loosing his mind
While their guide blindly onward had led.

But as Sam called to Gollum, “hold on”
Did he hear a sound that made him wan.
From the air, as a dream,
Came a cold Nazgul scream.
Quickly freezing his blood, and then gone.

Frodo fell during this dread attack,
In the pools, but his Sam brought him back.
They survived day to day,
Left the swamps, making way
To the entrance Gate; well armed and Black.

Frodo seeing the Black Gate then knew
That they could not in stealth here go through.
But Smeagol knew a way,
Very Sneaky. One may
Slip inside; if this thing they must do.

As the three left this scene which was grim,
Marched a column of fell Haradrim,
A dark foe, felt the Ring,
But could not find the thing
They escaped through their luck, which was slim.

As they headed on South they did find,
that the landscape became much more kind.
But poor Smeagol would fight
with Gollum through the night.
To see who could control his torn mind.

But good Smeagol won out on most days,
as he led them through his secret ways,
He gave Sam one nice thing,
Nice, Fresh Coneys did bring,
But to see them stewed, Gollum dismays.

But while Sam was an excellent cook,
he'd a moment of "fool of a Took!"
For the smoke from his fire,
now rose higher and higher,
To be seen by all folk who might look!

He extinguished the flames, but too late:
He'd been seen, by a strange twist of fate,
By the young Faramir,
brother of Boromir,
Who with questions tried Frodo to bait.

"Now what news of my brother?" said he.
Frodo told what he could, carefully.
Sam got tired einough
to give Faramir guff,
But the Man rebuked him gingerly.

"If you knew of my brother, then speak.
Did he find what he so long did seek?
Has now Isuldur's Bane
to our land come again?
By the Halfling forth standing, now meek?"

But when Frodo heard Boromir died,
Were surprise and grief on his face spied.
Faramir, who was wise,
Saw in Frodo's deep eyes,
That though hid much, he never had lied.

And his wisdom was shown in the end,
He accepted Frodo as a friend.
“But now, what of your third?
That one looks quite absurd.
On his fate must we now our time spend.

He has entered the forbidden pool,
And has broken our most ancient rule.
I will spare him if you,
Tell us this we should do,
Though he’s eaten our fish by the school.

“Do not spare him, I beg you.” Sam said,
He has long on a merry chase led.
But I think that the slinker,
Shall be seen as a stinker,
And we two shall both find ourselves dead.

But poor Frodo with pity replied,
“You may be right, but Sam, he has tried.
He has led us aright,
By the silver moon’s light.
And he even fresh Coneys supplied.

So they spared him, but knew not inside,
That the evil Gollum did hide,
Feeling “Frodo Betrayed”
He some foul scheme laid.
And he only his time had to bide.

So hobbits and Gollum depart.
Faramir though, was heavy of heart.
Though he knew of the Ring,
He had done the right thing,
And for that he had played a great part.

So the trio headed for the stair,
But the hobbits knew not what was there.
Gollum slipped of by night,
To a place without light.
As he visits “her Ladyship’s” lair.

So they climbed up the steep steps of stone,
When they heard from a head a loud moan,
Through the gates up ahead,
Came an orc army, led.
By the Witch-king, whose power had grown.

Minas Morgul, the Towers now loomed,
As the steps of the enemy boomed,
The Witch-king felt the Ring,
But could not find the thing,
Frodo tried to resist, he felt doomed.

Seeming endless, came line after line,
Came they now, led by one of the Nine,
Frodo watch on, afright,
As they marched through the night,
And a knowing chill ran down his spine.

He and Frodo now ran on ahead,
Though their hearts now felt frozen and dead..
Gollum had disappeared,
His betrayal they feared,
As the entered the tunnel with dread.

And inside, they were filled with great fright.
For it seemed they had found endless night.
Frodo brought out the Phial,
And the starlight did smile,
As Ungoliant’s heir feared the light.

But old Shelob was wicked and cruel,
She attacked but was caught in a duel,
She gave Frodo a bite,
As Sam and Gollum fight,
But got stung by Sam, who was no fool.

Shelob’s body had felt no such pain,
But she knew she had nothing to gain.
She escaped, nursed her wound,
Frodo faltered and swooned,
Sam then saw Frodo wounded again.

Sam then ran to his side where he saw,
Frodo dying, and cried his eyes raw.
Then he laid him to sleep,
But the quest had to keep,
So he took the Ring t’wards Mordor’s Maw.

But before he could get through the gate,
He discovered his error too late.
From the Gate, orcs now came,
Gave the Spider a name,
And for Frodo his guilt must abate.

For while Frodo lay dead, now it seems,
Sam’s mistake comes alive from foul dreams,
Frodo yet was alive!
In the foul spider hive,
As the orcs take him off with fell screams.

Sam then takes matters into his hand,
And puts on the accursed gold band.
He must rescue his friend,
At the second books end,
At the gate of the Ring’s dark homeland.

Who knows what the next moment shall bring,
With the fate of the One Ruling Ring.
We must now wait to see
Who will have Victory
In the last book, Return of the King.