It's good not to be the King
It's nice to be the Steward's son
And bear the silver horn
It's pretty cool to be Denny's Heir
It's fun to be First Born
I am the captain of the Guard
My name, my people sing
And best of all these wondrous things...
I don't have to become King!
No royal balls, no velvet drawers
No stuffy courtroom affairs
Nobody minds if I wear leather coats
Or if I ever wash my hair!
I am supposed to be a grimy Man
My contract says so clearly
If I was always perfectly coiffed
The fangirls would be chasing me!
They'd leave behind that lanky Ranger
And drop Frodo like a rock
And Orli's fans... well, if I was of a mind
I'd be shepherd of that flock!
But I am happy being me
An unprepossessing Man
I don't need the award of any Academy
With Linaewen as my biggest fan!
What makes a hero stand above
The crowd of common ilk?
What makes them love him most of all...
'Tis blonde hair, like flowing silk
My arrows may be always true
My swords flash like the sun
But if my hair was ever askew
My fans might turn and run!
So, fellow heroes, hear my words
If your adorers you would retain:
Take good care of your brain-mop
Lest you end up needing Rogaine!
Frodo and the lads claim "Best Hair" laurels
Hobbits may not be the fairest ones
In Middle earth to see,
"Good natured" rather than "beautiful"
Our features are said to be.
Sweet faces like the cherubim,
Our bodies round and small,
Not even by the Metric System
Can we be considered tall.
So when it comes to games of war,
Or strength, or some other sport,
Just like we measure up to Men...
We come in rather short!
If you like tall, athletic Elves
Or noble Men, rugged and hearty,
Don't take the East Road through the Shire
Unless you love to party!
Yet, in one arena we hold the title
And never shall we be beat...
We have THE hair; rich, thick, and curly
On our cute little heads and tough little feet!
Now, my friends have pointed out to me
That they have noticed, quite by chance
That, in spite of rumours to the contrary,
My eyes are NOT enhanced!!
*bats said eyes enticingly, causing all Frodophiles
to fall into little swooning piles*
The Dwarvish Delegate Speaks out on Hair
The life of a Dwarf in Middle earth
Is filled with passion and work
He mines and smiths and sings his songs;
From toil, he never shirks.
He has no time for trivial persuits
(Not even the LOTR version of the game!)
When there are gems to shape or ore to smelt
Or a dragon's treasure to claim.
Yet, amid his busy life a Dwarf,
Who is worth his salt and bread,
Takes the greatest effort to curry and shape
The filaments on his head.
A wealthy growth of reddish hair
And a long, forked beard to match
Will identify to the untrained eye
The ideal Dwarvish catch
But be wary, ye of little lore,
And peer carefully beneath the curls,
'Cause with Dwarves it's a little hard to tell
Between the boys and the girls!
The last word on hair, Istari Style
Now is the time for Wisdom to speak
In the friendly little debate
About hair, between these goodly folks
Who, up til now, have been good mates.
There certainly is, without a doubt,
Some virtue to be said
Concering each individual and race
On the status of their heads
Not all can have hair sleek and blonde
Like Legolas the Vain,
Nor need it become snarly and skanky
...Excepting now and again.
Curly and cute or straight and sheer
Or plaited in rows like corn
Hair doesn't make us who we are
It is just something to adorn.
Of course, my own hair is a marvel
If you'll permit one so wise to brag
If I never trimmed my beard
Upon the floor it would now drag!
And my snowy locks, once cleaned and pressed
(Following the Balrog thingy)
Are full and show no sign of thinning
And are never, ever stringy!
Hobbits, yes, are cute enough
And Valar knows they're full of heart,
And Dwarves, unarguably, have braiding
Down to a fine art.
Men are brave and lucky,
And Elves are pretty even in the dark,
But in a contest of "who's got the 'do"
The Wizard is first off the mark!
So save your arguments, my friends,
For as fair as each of you are,
When it comes to the finest hair
The prize goes to the maiar!
I'm just a Foolish Took, they say
That I don't know a thing
They can't imagine why I wanted
To come help Frodo lose his Ring
There is not much I can tell you
About Astronomy or Math
All I can do is share some jokes
And sing loudly in the bath
Even with all my ignorance
There is this much I DO know:
Like the mushrooms from ol' Maggot's field
Just watch me steal this show!
Frodo is fair; at his eyes his fans stare
And Samwise is tanned and stoic
Merry is garrulous and smart;
All three are quite heroic
I love them each, my companions
Against them let no harsh word be said
But when it comes to the 'cutest hair'
This Took comes out ahead!
Merry on Hair (no one gets the last word on Merry!)
Now that the others
Have had their chance to air
Their philosophical debates
On who's got the nicest hair
We can turn our attention
To things of greater import
(and give me suitable time
To think up a snappy retort!)
Strider brought up a touchy subject,
And Boromir made his point,
Legolas spoke most knowledgably,
And Gimli shook up this joint,
Frodo need not have said a word;
All he needs to do is smile
Pippin is obviously deranged
(we've known this for a while!)
Gandalf spoke with wisdom,
Against him no argument can be brought,
And Sam put up a good debate,
But there are more facts here to be sought:
Of all the hobbits, I must claim,
If modesty could be discarded,
I would have to win the game,
If you counted all the broken-hearted --
-- Maidens, that is, I have left behind
All swooning over me
My rogish charm, my clefted chin
And my hair, unkept and free
They follow me; it's not easy,
To be this pretty AND this smart
But I gave them the slip, with a lucky tip
And helped Frodo get his start!
You see, it's not the hair that makes the hero
Nor is it the sword or bow
It's not how long, or white, or bushy...
It's where you are and who you know!
That is the whole of the Fellowship, in all their vain glory! Who's next...??
Would it be fair to say that the hair
Subject has been exhausted?
Not when there are so many people
Who have not yet been accosted!
This weekend shall be nice and quiet
(See what my leisure time is worth?)
We'll see what we can come up with
For the Hair-Tales of Middle earth!