Literal Thinking
In the city of Minis Tirith, the old blacksmith realized he was tired of working so hard and would soon retire. So he picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."
One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."
Minis Tirith is now looking for a new blacksmith.
- Woodster
Thanks to Celebrian for these!
A hobbit was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want
you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure
for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the hobbit returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that’s amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The hobbit nodded. "I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"from hunger you mean?"
"No from skipping."
----
One day Grima Wormtongue is walking along the road when he trips on a rock. He kicks it, and out pops a powerful Maia from the First Age! The Maia says to him, "I will grant you three wishes, but choose wisely." Grima thinks for a second and says, "I wish to be the richest being alive." The Maia nods, and suddenly he is surrounded by heaps of jewels and gold and silver. Grima smiles a wicked smile and says, " I wish to be the wisest being in the world." The Maia nods and gifts him with lore greater then Saruman. Then Grima says, "Finally, I wish to be totally irresistable to women." And the Maia turns him into Legolas.
----
Sauron and Galadriel decided to get married.
They asked Gandalf to marry them, and he agreed:
"All right, if so.. Before Eru and the people I announce you husband and wife. You may now exchange your Rings...
----
Frodo is lying on the ground after being stabbed.
Sam: "Help him, Strider!"
Strider: "He's been stabbed by...(looks at the dagger more closely)...a TV-shop Kitchen Knife?!
----
Merry and Pippin were walking home from the Inn one evening. Both had had more of their fair share of ale and it was dark. All of a sudden. Merry falls down a large Pot Hole and breaks one of his legs.
Merry: "Pippin, don't just stand there. Call me a doctor..Quick!"
Pippin: "If you say so Merry. MERRY IS A DOCTOR!! MERRY IS A DOCTOR!!!
----
The Fellowship came into the Balin's burial chamber and saw the orcish bones lying around...broken shields and bottles.... and on the great stone plate it said:
"Here lies Balin, king of Moria. Don't wake him up - he's even scarier when he's drunk..."
----
Why are hobbit doors round?
If you had 9 meals a day you need a round door too!
Q: How many quarters does it take to play that new Lord of the Rings pinball game???
A: None: it only takes Tolkiens.
Elf Humor... sort of...
Where did the Elven dentist live?
At the mouth of the Anduin...
"Orophin," complained Haldir, "Every time you go running right along those narrow upper branches like that I just get terrified."
"Then do what I do," said Orophin. "Close your eyes!"
"Celeborn," said Galadriel with a graceful swirl. "Do you think this new dress does me justice?"
Celeborn eyed it critically. "You don't want justice - you want mercy!"
So....this Elf walks into a flet... ow.....
Celeborn: "Do you always have this much trouble making decisions?"
Galadriel: "Yes and no."
What do the Galadrhim use to get to the top of their mallorns?
An Elvelator
What to the Orcs around Lorien fear the most?
Elf-inflicted wounds.
So two Nazgul walk into a bar and one says,
"Screeeeeechoooooooowwwwwwoooooo'
The other says," heard that one already".
Thanks to Celebrian for these!
A hobbit was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want
you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure
for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the hobbit returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that’s amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The hobbit nodded. "I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"from hunger you mean?"
"No from skipping."
----
One day Grima Wormtongue is walking along the road when he trips on a rock. He kicks it, and out pops a powerful Maia from the First Age! The Maia says to him, "I will grant you three wishes, but choose wisely." Grima thinks for a second and says, "I wish to be the richest being alive." The Maia nods, and suddenly he is surrounded by heaps of jewels and gold and silver. Grima smiles a wicked smile and says, " I wish to be the wisest being in the world." The Maia nods and gifts him with lore greater then Saruman. Then Grima says, "Finally, I wish to be totally irresistable to women." And the Maia turns him into Legolas.
----
Sauron and Galadriel decided to get married.
They asked Gandalf to marry them, and he agreed:
"All right, if so.. Before Eru and the people I announce you husband and wife. You may now exchange your Rings...
----
Frodo is lying on the ground after being stabbed.
Sam: "Help him, Strider!"
Strider: "He's been stabbed by...(looks at the dagger more closely)...a TV-shop Kitchen Knife?!
----
Merry and Pippin were walking home from the Inn one evening. Both had had more of their fair share of ale and it was dark. All of a sudden. Merry falls down a large Pot Hole and breaks one of his legs.
Merry: "Pippin, don't just stand there. Call me a doctor..Quick!"
Pippin: "If you say so Merry. MERRY IS A DOCTOR!! MERRY IS A DOCTOR!!!
----
The Fellowship came into the Balin's burial chamber and saw the orcish bones lying around...broken shields and bottles.... and on the great stone plate it said:
"Here lies Balin, king of Moria. Don't wake him up - he's even scarier when he's drunk..."
----
Why are hobbit doors round?
If you had 9 meals a day you need a round door too!
Q: How many quarters does it take to play that new Lord of the Rings pinball game???
A: None: it only takes Tolkiens.
- Elbereth
"I wonder," Frodo Baggins said, sticking his head into the bright spring outside Bag-end, "I wonder, if I made my mind up to it, if i could be INSANELY happy."
"Well, Frodo," intoned a small, dark voice from the region of his throat, "again, you've managed One out of two."
"I wonder," Frodo Baggins said, sticking his head into the bright spring outside Bag-end, "I wonder, if I made my mind up to it, if i could be INSANELY happy."
"Well, Frodo," intoned a small, dark voice from the region of his throat, "again, you've managed One out of two."
- jan-u-wine
Elf Humor... sort of...
Where did the Elven dentist live?
At the mouth of the Anduin...
"Orophin," complained Haldir, "Every time you go running right along those narrow upper branches like that I just get terrified."
"Then do what I do," said Orophin. "Close your eyes!"
"Celeborn," said Galadriel with a graceful swirl. "Do you think this new dress does me justice?"
Celeborn eyed it critically. "You don't want justice - you want mercy!"
So....this Elf walks into a flet... ow.....
Celeborn: "Do you always have this much trouble making decisions?"
Galadriel: "Yes and no."
What do the Galadrhim use to get to the top of their mallorns?
An Elvelator
What to the Orcs around Lorien fear the most?
Elf-inflicted wounds.
So two Nazgul walk into a bar and one says,
"Screeeeeechoooooooowwwwwwoooooo'
The other says," heard that one already".
- Jimbo Baggins
Glad for a chance to relax after the War, Pippin invited Legolas and Gimli to share some ale with him at the Buttery in Gondor. Unfortunately, each found a large fly in their ale. (It must have been the special of the day).
Legolas looked into his ale and shuddered. "I have a fly in my ale. Please bring me another ale."
Gimli looked into his ale, found the fly, reached in and fished it out then continued drinking without comment.
Pippin looked into his ale, saw the fly, grabbed it by the wings, shook it over the glass and yelled, "Spit it out, Spit it out!"
- Primula
What key are all those Elven songs in Lothlorien in?
A Flet ...groan...
Sign outside the now empty Isengard;
''Unique fixer-upper. Spacious walk-up, air cooled, great view, motivated grounds crew, and impressive rooftop sun deck. Inquire in Woods opposite the Southern portico, during daylight hours only. No axe-bearers please''...
How come it never pays to have a lady Ringer snow man?
Cause they melt whenever they see one of the Nine
What do you use to predict snow or rain in ME?
A Borometer
How come Istari Wizards are no fun on Halloween?
They're all Trick and no Treat
Glad for a chance to relax after the War, Pippin invited Legolas and Gimli to share some ale with him at the Buttery in Gondor. Unfortunately, each found a large fly in their ale. (It must have been the special of the day).
Legolas looked into his ale and shuddered. "I have a fly in my ale. Please bring me another ale."
Gimli looked into his ale, found the fly, reached in and fished it out then continued drinking without comment.
Pippin looked into his ale, saw the fly, grabbed it by the wings, shook it over the glass and yelled, "Spit it out, Spit it out!"
- Primula
The 4 hobbits go
up to a store and look at a sign. They go away, depressed. Why?
The sign says,"no shirt, no shoes, no service."
Grima walks into a restaurant...
Wormtongue: Do you serve chicken here?
Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
The sign says,"no shirt, no shoes, no service."
Grima walks into a restaurant...
Wormtongue: Do you serve chicken here?
Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
- Traevynn
What key are all those Elven songs in Lothlorien in?
A Flet ...groan...
Sign outside the now empty Isengard;
''Unique fixer-upper. Spacious walk-up, air cooled, great view, motivated grounds crew, and impressive rooftop sun deck. Inquire in Woods opposite the Southern portico, during daylight hours only. No axe-bearers please''...
How come it never pays to have a lady Ringer snow man?
Cause they melt whenever they see one of the Nine
What do you use to predict snow or rain in ME?
A Borometer
How come Istari Wizards are no fun on Halloween?
They're all Trick and no Treat
- Erech the
Undead
Tonight, I noticed that, as the hobbits and Gandalf were heading to the Havens, there were four ponies and four riders along w/ the wagon. As they moved up a hill, I could see the four ponies and what I thought was four riders, yet Frodo was in the wagon w/ Bilbo?!? - Frodosmiss
Answer by Erech the Undead:
I believe that the 4th horse may in fact be a gesture of respect toward all those from the Shire who had fallen during the War of the Ring.
They make a special stop, on their way to the havens, to fully commemorate those brave folks:
At the Tomb of the Unknown Bolger...
Tonight, I noticed that, as the hobbits and Gandalf were heading to the Havens, there were four ponies and four riders along w/ the wagon. As they moved up a hill, I could see the four ponies and what I thought was four riders, yet Frodo was in the wagon w/ Bilbo?!? - Frodosmiss
Answer by Erech the Undead:
I believe that the 4th horse may in fact be a gesture of respect toward all those from the Shire who had fallen during the War of the Ring.
They make a special stop, on their way to the havens, to fully commemorate those brave folks:
At the Tomb of the Unknown Bolger...
