Middle Earth Jokes and Humor

Ticklers and groaners by and for the fans
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Gimli, Legolas and Pippin are captured by the orcs and locked away.
These orcs aren't TOO nasty though as they say each of the captives may have
a years supply of one luxury.

Legolas chooses Elven literature and they slam the door.
Gimli chooses malt beer and is shut away too.
Pippin decides on pipeweed and he also is locked up.

A year later the orcs are defeated and the captives are released.

Legolas strides out and says "Was that a year already? I hardly got started!"
Gimli staggers out and says "Wahey, that was great, show me to the pub!"
Pippin is released, he steps out and says "Anyone got a light?"
- Baron Wilderness


Legolas walks into a bar dressed as a cornish pasty. 
"Two packets of Lembas please" he says to the barman.

The barman replies, "I'm sorry, you'll have to leave, we don't serve food here"
- Baron Wilderness


Orc No.63 walks into a bar and leaves his cave troll at the door.

Barman: Excuse me sir, you can't leave that lyin' there.

Orc No. 63: That's not a lion, that's a cave troll.
- White Rider

What do you call a drunken deer that happily works as a surgeon? 

Merry 'ol Doc Brandied Buck
-Yaralindi

Q: What would Legolas carry if he went into the debt collection business? 

A: A Bill-Bow!
- Yaralindi

Aragorn returns from hunting orcs and finds Minas Tirith in an uproar. His Queen has been taken by a troll who has escaped with her to the south. He's about to rally his troops when he realizes they will never be able to overtake a fast moving troll. Then inspiration hits and he heads for the docks.

There is only one boat in the harbor - a pirate ship. Aragorn silently vows to deal with the pirates when they return, but right now he needs them. Talking quickly, and handing over no small sum of gold coins, he and the pirates are soon sailing swiftly south along the Anduin.

They sail for many days until finally the captain puts in along the shore and races across the field toward a stand of trees. Thinking the keen-eyed captain has spotted something, Aragorn grabs Anduril and races after him. When he catches up, however, he finds the man standing and pointing at a stand of trees.

"Are you a fool, captain? I though we were looking for the Queen of Gondor."

"Arr," says the pirate, pointing at some birds flitting among the branches of the trees. "Arr-wren!"

- Yaralindi

Chicken Jokes

Why did Bilbo cross the road?
To see the chickens...one last time.

Why did Merry cross the road?
Because it was the big one...big one!

Why did Saruman cross the road?
To catch chickens for orc-breeding.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To rescue Gandalf from the tower.

Why did Gandalf cross the road?
Because he was riding on the chicken.

Why did the Black Rider cross the road?
To reattach all the pillow-feathers to the chickens.

Why did Elrond cross the road?
To cast the chicken into the fire, and destroy it!

Why did Galadriel cross the road?
If the chicken strayed but a little, it would fail.

Why did Gollum cross the road?
To eat the chicken.

Why did Pippin cross the road?
To beat Gollum to eating the chicken.

Why did Sam cross the road?
To make Pippin cook the chicken first.

Why did Frodo cross the road?
The chicken was his guide and he was bound to it and it to him.

Why did Boromir cross the road?
Because Frodo was bound to the chicken.

Why did Aragorn cross the road?
The chicken's fate was no longer in his hands.

Why did Faramir cross the road?
He and the chicken finally understood one another.

Why did Legolas cross the road?
Because he could not linger. Not even for chicken.

Why did Gimli cross the road?
He didn't. He was tossed.
- Bluebell and Primula


Find the Real Quote Test


"A __________sun rises, ________ has been spilled this night."

1. white                    a. lemonade

2. purple                   b. ink

3. green                    c. milk

4. yellow                  d. grape jelly

5. grey                     e. jello

6. pink                     f. sprees

7. brown                 g. poi

8. black                   h. pepto-bismol

9. multicolored        i. tea