Excruciating Epics

Bad Writing by
Jennan O Possums

I’m So Pretty!

I am Legolas, beautiful, gorgeous Elf
I cannot believe it, not even myself!
I lay on grass, go in caves without stain
I fight battles in the pouring rain
At night I shoot, stab and get in fights
But you won’t see a mark on my green tights!

Gimli the Dwarf and I are the best of friends,
He doesn’t know it but I have my own ends.
He’s short and wide, and makes me look tall and thin
He’s hairy and lumpy... Oh, I’m SO pretty next to him!

When I leave for the West he’ll be at my side
As over the waves to the Blessed Realm we ride.
The fair folk will point, and say who's that with Gimli?
He makes the waves look dirty and outshines the sea!
My teeth will sparkle, my hair will shine gold and free
The beautifulest Elf ever... Why yes, it’s me!