Putird Poetry: Excruciating Epic

Bad Writing by HobbitNaga

If I Were...
If I were a breeder of orcs...
I would send them to defeat your enemies
If I were a captain,
my men I would send to your aid,
If I were a king,
my healing hands would outreach,
hold you in their strong grip,
my Dunedain out to protect you.
If I were an Elf,
quick as lightning I would raise my sword,
"Im lin tortho! I am yours to command!"
For you this day I shall fight.
For you, my fair princess,
the blood of your enemies shall flow.
If I were even a Hobbit,
short, thick, and dull in the mind,
yet I would still protect you,
were I to brandish a pointed dagger,
a candlestick,
to throw an apple,
whatever my weapon might be.
And yet, here I sit,
long miles away,
and helpless as a prisoner,
Here I am,
fooling with a paper and pen,
as you fight your battles,
I lack many things...
the cunning of an orc-breeder,
the strength of a captain,
the graciousness of a king,
the patience and agility of an Elf,
I lack even the quiet, hidden bravery of the Hobbit.
But of all these, there is one thing I am glad that I have,
and that is...your friendship.