Lamentable Laughs

Bad Writing by Goldberry


WORLD NEWS TODAY
 
Manhunt for Sauronson Begins
by Goldberry


Authorities are reporting that Adolf Sauronson, the man considered by many to be the most dangerous in the world, has escaped from his maximum security prison in Des Moines, Iowa.  Sauronson, a former IRS employee, is not only a convicted serial-killer, but also a master computer-hacker and nuclear-physicist.  It was reported just recently that Sauronson was the ring-leader involved in a 1993 plot to gather all evil together and begin building Nuclear, Chemical and Biological weapons in the Nevada-California desert. 
 
Authorities are also investigating reports that in the early 1990’s, Sauronson gave various world business leaders and defense contractors a series of Rings, that are rumored to have the capability of “enhancing” various electronic systems, including satellites, radar, computers, and power supplies.  No further information is available on how these Rings actually work, but one defense contractor (who spoke on the condition of anonymity) said that he would not give up his ring - it was created before Sauronson had turned to evil, and that his company would lose millions of dollars, if he had to give it up.
 
Law enforcement officials are stressing to the public that they should remain calm; it is unlikely that Sauronson will harm individuals unless they get directly in his way.  A 5 million dollar reward has been posted for information leading to his arrest.
 
Archeologists and Park Rangers Unearth a Mysterious Old Civilization in Yellowstone National Park
by Goldberry

On the North-west border of Yellowstone National Park in central Wyoming, near the present-day town of Hobbitsville, archeologists are unearthing what appears to be a once thriving agricultural community.  The ancient village is described by Archeologist Dr. Paul Gandalf as one of the most peculiar and remarkable areas that he has had a chance to study.  Dr. Gandalf leads a team of scientists that have been excavating the site for the past 6 months.
 
 “The first peculiar thing we noticed when we began our excavations here, was that all of the people who lived in this area were remarkably short.  The residents were all about half the size of present-day man.”  The excavation team has also found that the residents seemed to live in mounds of earth, with round ceilings and doors.  “The area that has not yet been well excavated," Gandalf said. "We don't know too much about its history. One of the goals of the project is to build a chronological picture of this region ... of a people who lived there over 2,000 years ago".

One of the most interesting finds of the summer was made by Dr. Gandalf himself – a white staff with curious markings at the top.  “When I picked it up, I almost thought I felt a charge of electricity running through me” laughed Dr. Gandalf.  “It made my gray hair stand on end and then turn white. I guess I was just overly excited at making such a discovery”. 

Some of the residents of nearby Hobbitsville and several of the Yellowstone Park Rangers have also taken an interest in the excavation.  In early August, Ranger Aaron Gornsen was hiking in the nearby forest when he saw what appeared to be a piece of metal sticking up out of the ground.  He carefully dug it out - it turned out to be an old sword with strange markings or symbols on the hilt.  Several weeks later, young Fred Bagginson, a senior at Hobbitsville High School, was exploring a nearby cave, when he came across a square shaped hole in the wall.  Pointing his flashlight into the hole, he saw what appeared to be a box with writing on the cover.  He immediately went to Dr. Gandalf and told him what he found.
 
“It was the most wonderful discovery imaginable” said Dr. Gandalf excitedly.  “Several books in an unknown language.  Now we shall have the real story of who these people were”.  The books are presently being studied by linguists at several major universities.
 
The excavation continues and Dr. Gandalf estimates that it may take months or even years before it is complete.