Lamentable Laughs

Bad Writing by Gimli's Goat


The tale of an unloved monster...Or 'Being Bob'
 
'It started with a fight.'
 
The balrog sighed and lay back on the couch. Doctor Gomgee nodded slightly and scribbled a note.
 
'Well, actually it started when all the dwarves snuffed it.' Bob frowned pedantically. 'What can I say? We were bored. It's no fun killing orcs. They taste like anchovies - I HATE anchovies!'
 
The therapist wrote 'Easily distracted-perhaps has issues with his appearance?'
Bob began to swing a hoof about fretfully. 'So there we were. Me- let's face it, the coolest baddie in town...and this monstrous cave troll. Vicki was so stupid that she would try to eat her own hands-'
 
Doctor Gomgee interrupted. 'The cave troll was called Vicki?'
 
Bob nodded impatiently, inadvertently setting a cushion alight. 'Yes, yes, she was Vicki. She had a voice like Melko and legs like a hippo's backside. We had a tussle - that's how we met. For a while I let her think she was beating me. Ha! But it was my power and youthful glow that won her over. Chicks dig the whole fire thing. After all, who wouldn't want to date Bob, Lord of Moria?'
 
As his chest swelled with pride, the carpet began to smoulder. Bob didn't notice.
 
'We danced to the sound of 'Orcs Underground', and picnicked beside Balin's tomb. We had goblin innards for lunch and dried dwarf for dinner. Vicki wanted me to get a real job, and raise my ambitions...'
 
'So- what happened?' asked Doctor G after a slight pause in which Bob ate the burning cushion.
 
'Thesh are..mmmm...delishious! Sorry doc. Well, that's just it, isn't it? She got too needy, a typical female. I told her to toss off.'
 
Doctor Gomgee coughed loudly and discreetly opened the window. He squinted to see the balrog through the smoking carpet fumes.
 
'Bobby, would you mind, I've a quick phone-call to make'
He quickly dialled the fire brigade.
 
Bob smiled briefly, which set the couch on fire. Noticing the burning office, the balrog glanced round appreciatively. 'You have a real nice crib here doc'
 
His therapist, who was standing with his head outside the window to breathe properly, either didn't hear or chose to ignore this remark.
 
'That troll really set me back. I haven't had any real friends in an Age - Roger, Pete, Gary are all dead, but man they died well.The raid on Gondolin was well worth it! But it's enough to make a demon feel old...'
 
'Here, take these!' Doctor G. shoved some Prozac through the thick fog and clambered onto the window ledge, strapping a parachute on as he went. 'And Bob?'
 
'Yeah?'
 
'Think happy thoughts...'