Pestilential Prose

Bad Writing by Elbereth


LOTR- "Long Story" Tale  ~                                                                                       ~

Gollum, Frodo, and Sam were sitting in a ditch by a forest one day trying to make a puppet theater. Sam was looking a little bored while Gollum was going crazy with the paste. After a while of staring Sam asked,

 “Hey Stinker, why don’t we just use tape instead of paste? Paste will stick in the theater’s wood.”

Smeagol, who was apparently a little more Sam-intolerant then usual that day turned around and snarled angrily,

 “FINE PRECIOUS: I’m not even going to makeses you yours *gollum* stupid little theaters if it’s going to be this way!”

Frodo turned around and made a pathetic little wimpy-Frodo-look at Sam. Sam gave in.

“Oh, fine…you can use paste but it’s not my fault if you ruin Treebeard’s foot.”

~                                                                               ~                                                                                ~

          After a few hours of getting no where, Gollum turned to Sam and hissed, “Hobbit, don’t you think this is kind of boring…would you likeses to make a back pack insteadses?”

Sam was a LITTLE upset and shouted,

“THIS IS WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU FOR THE PAST 2 HOURS! OF COURSE!!! But only under one condition: we get to put Mr. Frodo in the pack when he gets tired. It’s the Ring, Gollum. It makes him tired.”

Gollum was not so sure about this idea, but he had other sneaky little plans on his mind so he replied,

 “O.k., but we must uses the elvish ropeses to tie him in or Master may fall out!!! HAHA!!!!"

Sam began tying the elvish rope around a sack to fasten a holder. A few moments later he called Frodo (who had been sleeping peacefully in a patch of green clovers by the side of the road) and carefully lowered him into the sack. Gollum eyed the sack warily and hissed, “But…shouldn’t we dress him up firstses?”

Sam was not concerned. “No, it takes too long, and besides, we’re already past Caradhras.”

          Just then Frodo began to whine, screaming, “STRIDER! STRIDER!”

Sam turned his back for a moment to look around as if Aragorn would appear from behind a tree. Gollum took advantage of the opportunity and squeezed Frodo’s neck. Sam wheeled around and cried,

“GOLLUM-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

“…We was just…um…the squeezing the prec-Master to quietses him—“

“Whatever you were doing: DON’T DO IT AGAIN!!!!”

Apparently this squeezing was a little too much for Mr. Frodo and he tumbled out of the sack.

Sam yelled and ran over to him and began to shake him. Groggily Frodo opened his eyes and sat up.

Gollum hissed, “This isn’t going to work, stupid hobbit. We must NOT use nasty elven rope…”

Suddenly Gollum heard the snap of a twig behind him and spun around to see Aragorn running through the forest over to Frodo.

Sam shouted happily, “IT’S STRIDER, WE’RE SAVED!!! FRODO’S SAVED!”

Gollum quietly hissed to himself.

Aragorn reached Frodo, woke him up and asked Sam, “I am going to ask you a question. If you answer it will help Frodo. Ok- have you seen Brother Bear? Have you? Well? ANSWER!”

Sam timidly replied, “Um…how is this going to help Frodo?”

Strider broke frantically into a sweat and boomed, “JUST TRUST ME!!”

Sam finally answered, “yeah, and it was really weird…they have weird names…like Coda…eer - Koda…or was it Soda?”

Frodo began to wake up.

~                                                                                 ~                                                                                      ~

Frodo, Sam, Gollum, and Aragorn were all at a little pond on the road. Gollum was looking for fish, Sam was trying to figure out if the water was sanitary after Gollum stepped in it, Aragorn was sitting on a rock and Frodo was in the sack looking worn out after doing nothing.

Sam was staring at Gollum, wondering if there was a way he could distract him so he could fill up his canteen.

“Gollum…” he asked innocently, “could you possibly get out of that pond really quick so we could get a clean drink? I could get some water really fast and then you could hop out…”

“Or I could wade out into the middle to get some.” Volunteered Aragorn. He began to step into the pond. This did not sit well with Gollum.

“NO PRECIOUS GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT HURRY WE’RE NOT FINISHED!!! IT’S FOR OURS FEETSES!!!”

          Frodo woke up with a start (probably from a Gollum nightmare), looked at the pond and ran into the woods as fast as he could. No body seemed to notice during the midst of commotion.

          Meanwhile Frodo was in the middle of a forest by a mirror that looked like a replica of Galadriel’s (don’t ask me how it got there). He was crying hysterically, but when he looked in the mirror he calmed down.

          Back at the pond things had settled down. Gollum had jumped out of the pond after Sam threw a bit of Lembas in it, and Aragorn was sitting back on his rock trying to figure out why hobbits were so short.

Gollum was a bit shaken after the incident with the Lembas. He tried to scare Sam by telling a story.

          “…Anyways, precious, there was a giant flood at this pond, because orcses put an oliphaunt in it, *gollum*…”

For some hours no one missed Frodo. They all thought he was crouching down in the sack, but they were wrong.

 

… A while later…

 

Aragorn was carrying Frodo in the sack (or so he thought: he didn’t realize that he underestimated how light hobbits actually are) listening to Gollum’s story along with Sam.

“…So the oliphant was in the warses times and”

“And then the orc threw a rope burning with fire into the pond. Yes, yes, I know this story…” finished Aragorn.

Suddenly Sam shouted, “LOOK: there in the ditch! There’s a bundle of clothes over there…”

Aragorn ran over to investigate. He came back with a silver cloak wrapped around something. He opened it up and  yelled, “IT’S A BABY!!!!”

Gollum shot him a dirty look.

“Of course it’s a baby! We knowses that…”

Sam cut in, overly concerned, “What should we do with it? Should we keep it? Where’s its mommy? How…”

Aragorn said flatly, “We’re keeping it. And it’s staying with us…it looks elvish…and I get to hold it first. Kootchee kootchee kootchee little baby!”

Gollum and Sam stared at each other. Apparently Aragorn DID have a different side…

 

A while later the company had discovered some interesting things about the little elvish infant and were taking turns telling things they knew about babies.

It was Aragorn’s turn.

“…and when they lay down they close their eyes and fall asleep.”

“Yeah,” cut in Sam, “but her eyes don’t close. Once I knew a baby that had to go to a doctor and they had to pull off her old head and put on a new one. Then she came back with crutches.”

“How sad…” sniffed Aragorn.

 

          Meanwhile a good deal away Frodo was chewing on a piece of bark. Then he ran under a giant log and nibbled on some moss. He had no idea where he was or why he was so hungry. Apparently Gollum, Sam, & Aragorn were gone. That was all he knew, besides the fact that he was starving.

 

Back on the plains of Rohan (which was how far the company had accomplished walking)

Aragorn and the others were setting up a grocery store. (it was Gollum’s idea)

 

Aragorn was happily singing a song that went something like this…

“Turtle turtle, turtle turtle!”

 Sam was trying to figure out the sharps and flats but was unsuccessful because of Aragorn’s continuously changing notes.

Gollum, on the other hand, was singing a little song of his own…

“Take your phone, call me when it’s to-to-tone!”

“NO, NO, IT GOES LIKE THIS,” complained Sam.

“Take your phone, eat the tone, grab me by the cell cell phone!”

“What are you doing?” inquired Aragorn.

“We’re calling by the *gollum* phone!” answered Gollum.

“Just out of curiosity, what’s a phone?” asked Aragorn.

“We don’t knowses, but we has one!” explained Gollum excitedly.

 

CHAPTER 2: IN WHICH THERE IS A BIT OF CONFUSION

 

The next day Aragorn had some important wars to fight at Helm’s Deep, so he left Sam, the baby (whom they had named Bitty), and Gollum his cell phone number (he had learned a great deal about cell phone’s from Gollum) and ran off to Edoras to consult Theoden.

          Just because he had a cell phone he decided to take advantage of the fact that he could freely call anyone toll-free and called Sam during his walk to Edoras.

 

          “Ring ring! Ring ring!”

Sam grabbed his phone, picked it up and shouted, “HELLO!!”

“Settle down!” hissed Gollum.

“Hello?” whispered Sam.

“HI!” said Aragorn

“Hi.” Replied Sam.

“Hello.” Answered Aragorn.

“Hi again.”

“Hi, it’s nice to talk to you.”

“Nice to talk to you too.”

          Gollum, who had been crawling about the “store” (which was actually just a wooden post set up on a rock with a few items behind it) was glancing at his brand new pink cell phone he had just received from a catalog. (Don’t ask me how they got a catalog) Suddenly it rang.

“BRRIIINGG!!!”

Gollum jumped and exclaimed, “Oh, our precious is beeping!”

“Greetings. Is this the grocery store?” asked a feminine voice.

“Hello?” it asked again, “is this store open?”

“Uh…yes, the prec- store is open.” Replied Gollum, trying to act like a “gentleman”.

“Well then I think I’ll be over there in just a couple minutes…”

          Before Gollum could ask who was on the phone a beautiful elvish person came waltzing over to the counter. She somewhat resembled Elrond. Finally Gollum realized it was Arwen. Sam came running up to the counter and said, “Our store is open!”

Arwen just ignored him and inquired, “Where is your guys’ baby?”

Gollum quickly replied, “On ours lap. Isn’t she tasty-I means dainty?"

Arwen just stared. Suddenly Gollum’s pink cell phone rang.

“Hello, *gollum, Gollum speakses here…”

“OH GOLLUM (Arwen was a little startled at the voice) I HAVE A GREAT IDEA! I WAS SO BORED FROM ALL THIS WALKING THAT I THOUGHT-”

“What? Get to the points.” Interrupted Gollum.

“I THOUGHT WE COULD MAKE A MONEY HOLDER!!!”

“No, no…” said Gollum thoughtfully, “The moneys have to be… like…bent…”

Aragorn was a little disappointed.

“Oh well…it was a stupid idea anyway…”

Meanwhile Arwen was listening intently and suddenly shouted, “HELLO? Can I even BUY anything around here?????”

“YES YOU CAN!” shouted Gollum back at her, annoyed.

“Ok, well in that case…how much is this?” she pointed to a piece of Mallorn Leaf.

“That would be-”

“I GOT IT MOM!!!!” shouted Sam, for what reason he didn’t know.

“MOM?” asked Aragorn on the phone (who had apparently not hung up)

“What?” inquired Gollum.

 

A LITTLE WHILE LATER

 

Sam was sitting on the bare ground next to the baby & the phone thinking about the Shire while Gollum was being quite polite to Arwen and showing her everything for sale.

“Would it like to buy a pizzas?”

“Um…sure.” Replied Arwen.

          Gollum slunk over to the cash register and said proudly, “That will be 50 cents please.”

Arwen dug around in her “purse” to and handed him a few coins.

“Can I have change please?” she asked politely.

“Sure, let us finds it…here you go!”

          Sam, who had been still thinking about the Shire suddenly found he thoughts turned back to Frodo. Where was he anyway? Where was Frodo? WHERE WAS HE? He was just about to shout out his thoughts when a deafening BRING ran in his ears. Dumbfounded he just sat right where he was and stared into space.

          Arwen ran over to Sam and grabbed the phone. It was Aragorn.

“If this is Arwen,” he said, “do you want to be my girlfriend?”

Arwen was shocked but said anyway, “Um…SURE! Wait: only if my daddy says it’s o.k…”

“Hi, how are you?” Gollum said behind the counter.

“Hold on a second,” whispered Arwen to the phone, and then to Gollum, “I’m just fine. What are you doing?”

“Oh, just waiting for my mom. She’s right there.”

What? Thought Arwen to herself, then shrugged.

“We’ve got a pretty good business going, huh?”

“Uh…yeah, I guess you do…”

“SAM!” Gollum shrieked at the top of his lungs, “YOU NEED TO DRESS UP THE BABY!”

Sam answered flatly, “what?”

“YOU NEED TO DRESS UP THE BABY!” shrieked Gollum again.

        

16 MINUTES LATER:

 

Aragorn had just returned from fighting at Helm’s Deep and was pretty greasy.

“I would like to buy some chocolate chips Gollum.” He looked exhausted.

“All right, precious…”

          Sam, who had been silently sitting in the background ever since he could remember suddenly stated, “Actually you can’t, Strider. They-I mean we don’t have any. I ate them all. I apologize.”

Everyone looked astonished. Even Gollum. Especially Arwen.

Arwen broke the uncomfortable silence by saying, “Um, Aragorn, when you leave don’t forget to call me on my spanking new cell phone.”

That seemed to wake everyone up.

“Would any of the folkses *gollum* like to buy *gollum* something?”

“Sure,” said Arwen, pointing to a cloak, “that thingy right there.”

“That will be forty three cents.”

“Ok, let me get my purse…woops, I dropped my chapstick on the ground…Oh, there goes my mirror! OH NO MY BEST BEST PICTURE OF ARAGORN IS ON THE GROUND!!! FOR THE LOVE OF WIMPY FRODO LOOKS…”

          WFLs…thought Aragorn. Suddenly that reminded him of something…Frodo! Where was that halfling anyway?

“Does anyone know where Frodo is?” he asked calmly.

“The hobbit is over by ours forestses.” explained Gollum carefully.

“HOW DO YOU KNOW?” demanded Aragorn.

“We knowses…” said Gollum, realizing that he knew something (for once) that Aragorn didn’t know, “because we looked in the palantir crystal ball thingamajig. Anyways nasty Strider can’t have the hobbit.”

“WHAT?” roared Aragorn. Gollum repeated his information.

“HE WENT IN THERE? IN THE FOREST? HE MUST BE SCARED!!!”

By now Sam had just woken up from his, “trance” and was glancing nervously back and forth from Strider to Gollum.

“He’s not scared. Mr. Frodo is smart. Remember what I said Gollum? ‘It’s the Ring, Gollum. That’s what makes him smart.’”

“YES HE IS SCARED!” boomed Aragorn.

“Well, duh, you would be scared too if everyone was carrying you around in a stinky old sack too. Aragorn, we have to go home. We have to go home. What? We have to go home? What am I saying?”

Grrrr…At this point Arwen was a little upset because she was obviously not the center of attention like she usually was back in Rivendell.

          “Hello? Can I buy something here?”

 

          Back in the woods Frodo was finished eating bark and chewing on moss. For some reason he suddenly remembered that he needed to be with his companions. He began skipping along happily till he got to the edge of the forest and kept skipping until he got to the plains of Rohan and began to walk.

 

          “Can I have some change back?” asked Arwen.

          “Of course *gollum it can.”

Everyone was frying in the sunlight, except for Arwen who had just bought a can of sun block. Aragorn was leaning against a tree in boredom while Sam was still staring off into space.

          Arwen was looking off into do-do land a few moments later when she saw a little figure running across the plains. After a while she realized it was Frodo.

          “OH HI FRODO!” she yelled, and ran over to him. For some unknown mysterious reason Aragorn freaked out and shouted, “DON’T GO NEAR HIM! HE COULD HAVE RABIES!”

Half-listening Arwen replied, “You know Aragorn, I’m not going to be your girlfriend if you’re going to be like this…”

          Frodo ran over to the counter and guzzled down a canteen full of water. Apparently all the water had dried up in the forest. He looked around for Sam and found he saw sitting on a rock staring blankly at the horizon. He ran over to greet him but was disappointed when Sam reacted by staring some more.

“Gollum, uh…I’m kind of new to this part of town. Could you possibly tell me who lives here?” Arwen was saying.

“Oh, just a few Ringwraiths and some mean orcses…it’s o.k, you’ll get used to it.”

 

A WHILE LATER:

 

Sam and Strider were on a hill throwing arrows in the sky for some mysterious unknown reason. Frodo was trying to retrieve all the arrows that were lost, and at the bottom of the hill Arwen was STILL buying more junk from Gollum.

 

          “I have to buy a lot of stuff because Daddy & Aragorn & I are going to have a feast! Haven’t I told you? Guess not. But Daddy says you’re invited ONLY if you PROMISE not to spit on the food or hiss at people. Agreed?

“Ok precious…”

“Speaking of food, would you happen to have any fish? That’s Aragorn’s favorite.”

          “Sorry, *gollum, we’re reserving that for tomorrow…” Gollum licked his lips thoughtfully and looked around. Suddenly he shouted,

          “OH PRECIOUS IT’S THE BABY! WE’RE STARVING: I MEAN um…IT MUST BE STARVING!” as the elvish baby was rolling around on the floor for another mysterious unknown reason.

 

2 WEEKS LATER:

 

Arwen was storming into the “store” with quite a few heavy bags of merchandise. She eyed the “store” for Gollum and ran over to him.

          “WAIT: I’M returning ALL of this stuff! And you can keep the change! (But I get to keep the pizza) And just to let you know I’m NEVER EVER EVER coming back here again because all of your food is totally disgusting and slimy. When Daddy bit into a piece of “your kind” of lembas there was a FISH bone in it! A fish bone, can you imagine? Ugh, it was SO GROSS! Anyways, Daddy says that we’re NEVER going to buy from you again. Also, your lembas is 100 times worse then Lady Galadriel’s. You stink. And by the way you’re NOT invited to the feast.”

She looked around at the terror-stricken Gollum and at Frodo, Sam, and Aragorn who were all wearing an expression of awe when they realized that Arwen could actually speak in paragraphs aka “getting mad”.
          “Carry on.” She said casually as she spun around from the way she had come.